Twilight: Parodies.

[kristylynne]

I'm condensing all the funny stuff I find to one thread. That way I'm not cluttering the board with randomness

Bella: I’m moving mom.

Renee: Don’t go Bella! I’ll miss you! I don’t want you to go.

Bella: You just keep telling yourself that.

Renee: No, really!

Bella: I know where I got my lack of ability to lie…

Renee: Screw you.

-In forks-

Charlie: I bought you a truck, Bella.

Bella: Um… thank you?

-The next day-

Bella: I guess I’ll go to Forks High now, but I swear to myself I won’t be social.

Jessica: I hate you already! Let’s be best friends!

Bella: Eh, why not? Anything to make this hellhole you call Forks better… which you probably won’t help at all.

Jessica: It’s because I’m short, huh? WELL PISS OFF! Just because I eat an apple a day, it doesn’t mean I’m fat! –Runs to bathroom and sticks finger down throat-

Bella: What the hell are you talking about?

Mike: Jessica’s just bipolar because last year her therapist ate her hairbrush. We don’t really know why…

Bella: Oh.

-in biology-

Bella: Hi.

Edward: I hate you. Go to hell. (A/N I was going to write “go fuck yourself” instead but I didn’t feel it was appropriate.)

Bella: Already there.

Edward: Screw you.

Bella: Your mom!

Edward: Oh, HELL no!

-Week passes by-

Bella: I miss Edward. –Sobs-

-On Monday-

Edward: Sorry I ignored you. What’s your life story?

Bella: Why are your eyes a different color?

Edward: Why is your face a different color? OH!

Bella: Because Charlie beats me.

Edward: …

Bella: I mean, uh, do you know how Michael Jackson turned white?

Edward: No.

Bella: exactly.

-Tyler’s van comes-

Tyler: Dammit. If I just swerved a few more inches… I’ll make sure to hit her next time.

Rosalie: Holy cracker!

Alice: Holy cheesecake!

Jasper: Holy apple!

Emmett: Holy bible!

Rosalie, Alice, and Jasper: Dude. No. that was just… no.

Bella: Thanks for saving me, Edward.

Edward: Damn you to hell.

-6 weeks pass by-

Mike: wanna go out with me, Bella?

Bella: no.

Mike: Oh.

Bella: …

Mike: …

Eric: What about me, why won’t you go out with me?

Bella: I’m going to Seattle to hide from you rapists.

Eric: um…

Tyler: My turn, my turn!

Bella: no… just… no.

-everyone leaves-

Edward: Why did you reject them? Are you a lesbo?

Bella: um… no?

Edward: I believe you, even though you couldn’t even lie to the mentally handicapped.

-In Port Angeles-

Bella: Rapist! Rapist!

“Rapist” number 1: We were just gona ask if you had a quarter for the bus, god.

Edward: Get in the freakin’ car! I saw you in their minds! They were going to ask you… -shudders- for a quarter. I can’t let them take anything from you!

Bella: Um… thank you?

Edward: Let’s go to a restaurant.

Bella: Mmm… mushrooms…

Edward: I’m a vampire.

Bella: Cool. Oh my damn! Slow down!

Edward: Hell no. I won’t crash. If I do, I’ll still live. I don’t care about you, I mean I AM selfish.

Bella: I agree.

Edward: You shouldn’t! God, you are too dependent! It’s creepy!

Bella: I think so too.

Edward: Get out of my fucking car!

-The next day-

Bella: stop overflowing the tray with food, Edward! Do you want me to turn into Rosie O’Donnell?!

Edward: That’s the point…

Bella: …

Edward: I mean, uh, no?

Bella: close enough.

Edward: Thank god.

Bella: I love you.

Edward: You smell good.

Bella: My self esteem is so low that that doesn’t offend me.

Edward: Let me try that again… I love your blood?

Bella: better.

Edward: I want you to tell your dumbass father that I am going out with you, and on Saturday we aren’t going to Seattle.

Bella: are you going to eat me that day?

Edward: My insides are telling me that I probably will, but I’ll try not to.

Bella: that’s reassuring.

-at meadow-

Edward: I sparkle.

Bella: No way, that explains why you are glittering more than my mother’s engagement ring!

Edward: you’re observant. A little too observant…

Bella: Is this the part where you eat me?

Edward: Yeah. But I won’t because I bet against Alice. Maybe later though…

Bella: That helps.

-At house-

Edward: can I come inside?

Bella: pervert!

Edward: …

Bella: just kidding. I know you didn’t mean it like that.

Edward: that’s what YOU think…

Bella: what?

Edward: Nevermind.

Bella: Lie in bed with me and watch me sleep! Because that’s so not creepy…

Edward: I watch you every night.

Bella: that’s not stalkerish at all!

Edward: Go to sleep so I can listen to what you are thinking by force.

Bella: …

Edward: Just do it before I rape you!

Bella: -goes to sleep-

-in the morning-

Edward: I want you to meet my family of bloodthirsty vampires.

Bella: coolio.

-at Cullen house-

Alice: guess what Bella! I get visions of you dying!

Bella: …

Alice: Too soon to tell each other everything? I should have waited till tomorrow.

-in Edward’s room-

Alice: Jasper and I want to eat you.

Bella: You’re joking, right?

Alice: Actually, no. but that’s not why we came in here. We want to play baseball and make you feel like an eighth wheel.

Bella: sounds good to me!

-At baseball field-

Bella: Three even MORE bloodthirsty vampires are coming after me!

Cullens: OH SHIT!

-Everyone separates-

Bella: I miss Edward.

James: I have you cornered! Time to feast!

Bella: -passes out-

-in hospital-

Edward: Bella, are you awake?

Bella: …

Edward: Guess not.

Bella: Edward?

Edward: Bella!

Bella: Edward!

Mike: Mike!

Edward and Bella: …

Mike: I felt left out.

Bella: Don’t ever leave me!

Edward: sure… heh heh… of course… -foreshadows-

Bella: I’ll pretend I don’t see what’s coming.


I know, I know. I'm full of them. I take no claims though, other than the ability to stumble upon completely random, funny shit.

[Rachel K.]

Bwa ha ha ha! This one is good, but I think I like the other one better.

[kristylynne]

I do too. I stumbled across this one though & it was good for a quick laugh.

[kristylynne]

This one has potential:

Edward: Bella, do you want ride to Seattle?
Bella: With, with ... Santa?
Edward: No, Bella, with me.
Bella: With, with ... you?
Edward: Do you need a hearing aid?
Bella: Not with Santa??
Edward: With me!!
Bella: Okay.
Edward: Good. So, let's not go to Seattle.
Bella: Okay, where shall we go?
Edward: It is a surprise.
Bella: Wait, dont you hate me?
Edward: I got over it, kind of, so stay away from me, but come with me.
Bella: totally...

Later

Edward: Bella, are you sure you want to go with me to the ... place?
Bella: Yes, my pretty
Edward: Alright. IT'S A BAD IDEA. Alright. But, tell the whole population of Forks that you are coming with me to a place.
Bella: Why?
Edward: So that I dont EAT YOU!!
Bella: Good idea

She then goes and tells everyone who knew about her going with Edward somewhere that she is doing washing instead.

Bella: I think that I wont go, I'll do washing instead.
Jessica: Okay... good to know. LETS TALK ABOUT MIKE!

Meadow day

Charlie is gone. Edward is there.

Bella: Our clothes are the same. Oh god.

She reaches for the anti-depressants. They drive to the forest. Then five hours of Bella tripping over her own feet follow. Finally Edward steps out into his meadow, into the sunlight.

Bella: Wow, you sparkle. That's not creepy at all.
Edward: I don't breathe either, I eat animals and used to eat PEOPLE!
Bella: Cool... your so pretty.
Edward: That's so that I can EAT you.
Bella: Can I, um... touch you?
Edward: You sound perverted... so... yes!

Bella reaches out to touch Edward.
Edward: DEAR GOD NO!

He runs away and hides in the shadows. Bella breaks down.

Bella: But, but, you said!
Edward: I know. I will randomly rip a tree out of the ground and throw it at another tree now.

He does so.

Edward: And running. I can run.

He does so. Pretty fast.

Bella: You should join track...
Edward: BUT I'M DANGEROUS! YOU SHOULDN'T TOUCH ME!
Bella:Okay.

Edward returns to her. Bella touches him.

Edward: mmm, that feels sooo good. Keep touching me. I want to eat you. Who knows that you are here with me?
Bella: You?
Edward: NO ONE KNOWS! GOD, NOW I HAVE TO EAT YOU!
Bella: Okay, but don't let anyone find out it was you.
Edward: Let us return to the car, I will carry you.
Bella: How? I am bigger than a bag.
Edward: DID YOU NOT SEE ME BREAK THE TREE??
Bella: sorry...
Edward: That's okay. I'm just annoyed with myself because you are so dumb.
Bella: Makes sense, don't be.

They go to the car in about five seconds.

Bella: I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO DIE! A LITTLE WARNING NEXT TIME!
Edward: You saw me run randomly fast, remember? GOD! What are you, a goldfish?
Bella: I feel sick.
Edward: Head between your knees.

She does so.

Bella: I still feel sick, so I will make out with you.

They do so.

Bella: Now I feel sick.
Edward: Woah! I shall drive.
Bella: why?
Edward: Umm... you feel sick...
Bella: oh yeah! Okay, you drive.

They are home.

Bella: That was fast.
Edward: Seriously, will you get it already?! I am fast, and strong.
Bella: OH YEAH. Night
Edward: Night.

[lexi]

Lmfao omg that was amazing. Haha I love it!!! And all of it is 100% True....