The Twilight Cliff Notes.

[kristylynne]

TWILIGHT SUMMARY

Bella: --Lands magically in Forks-- Ew. Rain.
Jessica: Hey, I’m Jessica. Let’s eat lunch!
Bella: Oo, pretty people!
Edward: Gah, Bella smells so good… but I’ll just stare at her evilly.
Bella: OMG why is that GOD staring at me like that… oh swoon.
–-Edward poofs into thin air--
Bella: Where’d he go?!
--Edward poofs back--
Bella: Oh, there you are.
Edward: Bella, we shouldn’t be friends. If you’re smart, which you aren’t and will later prove when given life-altering decisions, you’ll stay away from me.
Bella: NEVER!
Edward: Please?
--Bella is dazzled--
Bella: Okay.
Jacob: Hey, Bella! What’s up?
Bella: --Smiles-- Jacob, I love you… tell me what Edward is…
Jacob: Vampire.
Bella: Gotchya.
--Lands in Port Angeles--
Bella: Ah! I need a rape whistle!
Edward: Bella! Control my anger!
Bella: Huh?
Edward: Eat something.
Bella: I know you’re a vampire. Don’t lie.
Edward: I want to kill you.
Bella: I don’t care.
Edward: So the lion fell in love with the lamb…
Bella: Wait- when did this happen??
Edward: That’s not the line, Bella.
Bella: Oh. “What a stupid lamb.”
Edward: What a sick, sexy, sparkling, masochistic lion.
Bella: Kiss me!
Edward: Okay!
--They kiss. Bella rapes Edward--
Edward: Bella! You’ll be the end of me!
Bella: No! Don’t die!
Edward: Bella… you’re so stupid. I’m mad at myself that you totally jumped on me. Not you.
Bella: Oh, okay!
Edward: Meet my family.
Alice: I’m Alice. Hello, future sister. And vampire.
Edward: IT WILL NOT BE!
--Thunder crashes outside--
Emmett: Baseball! Score!
--All poof into field--
Laurent: We are non-vegetarian vampires... we feast on humans.
James: Oh, you brought a snack?
Edward: Gr.
--All leave--
Bella: Edward, take me home!
Edward: No! Fine… NEVER! Okay, maybe… NOOOO!
Bella: Please?
Edward: Okay.
Bella: Charlie, I’m leaving FOREVER! Don’t try and stop me! Just like Mom!
Charlie: I-
Alice: We can take her from here, Edward.
Bella: No! I will never part from Edward’s side! I love him!
--Edward and Bella kiss passionately--
Emmett: --Giggles--
Rosalie: Oo, my giggly monkey man.
--Everyone leaves--
James: Bella, come to the ballet studio. Or I’ll kill your mom.
Bella: No, not dear mother!
--Goes to ballet studio--
James: Psych.
Bella: Shit.
--James rapes Bella and cracks her skull and breaks her leg. And bites her--
Edward: BITCH, SHE’S MINE!
--Edward kills James--
Carlisle: Edward, you are the only one of us who can suck the venom out. Though I’ve had hundreds of years and am immune to it, YOU must.
Edward: But I won’t stop!
Carlisle: You are her only hope.
--Edward sucks venom out--
--in Hospital--
Edward: I’m leaving you!
Bella: Don’t!
Edward: Fine. But I’m taking you to the prom! Ba-haha!
Bella: NO!
--Bella and Edward go to prom--
Bella: I like prom.
--Jacob comes--
Edward: It smells bad in here, I need some fresh air.
--He leaves—
Jacob: My dad says to break up with Edward.
Bella: Screw your dad, and YOUR stupid werewolfness, Jacob Black!
--Pause--
Jacob: Actually, you don’t find out I’m a werewolf until New Moon, Bella. After Edward leaves. Wow, you are dense…
Bella: WHAT?! BUT HE PROMISED HE’D STAY!!
Edward: What’s wrong, Bella?
Bella: You promised! Forever!
Edward: You want to be a vampire, don’t you? Right now?
--Kisses her neck--
Edward: Psych.
--Notices Jacob--
Edward: **Awkward turtle **
THE END


;D

[Rachel K.]

Bwahahaha I love this!

[kristylynne]

I do too! I've reread it at least twice a day ever since I sent it to you originally. It still cracks me up.

"IT WILL NOT BE!"

[Rachel K.]

Psych.
Shit.
Hahahahahahahaha.

[kristylynne]

Carlisle's: "Edward, you are the only one of us who can suck the venom out. Though I’ve had hundreds of years and am immune to it, YOU must. "

LMFAO.

[Rachel K.]

James: Oh, you brought a snack?
Edward: Gr.
I'm seriously LOLing right now.

[kristylynne]

WTF is an awkward turtle!?!

[Rachel K.]

NO idea, but I'd love to know too, lol.

[lexi]

ROFL Omg where did you find these?

[Rachel K.]

Dude, Lexi! You hit this shit up hard!

[kristylynne]

Dec 28, 2008 16:37:12 GMT -5 lexi said:

ROFL Omg where did you find these?

This one I found by accident. The others I actually searched for on a fanfiction site. I got addicted for a couple of nights looking for funny shit. bahahaha

[lexi]

haha I know right. I felt bad for being left out. ROFL

[dazzle♥me]

These parodies crack me up. Who comes up with this stuff?! lol

[nina]

James: Bella, come to the ballet studio. Or I’ll kill your mom.
Bella: No, not dear mother!
--Goes to ballet studio--
James: Psych.
Bella: Shit.


Favorite part. I just read this out loud to my sister and could barely get through it we were laughing so hard. Ah, I loved it.

[Rachel K.]

Mine too, Nina. Mine too.